Many years ago, I had a conversation with my kettle.
Yep. Just like it sounds. Don't judge.
It was a weekend and the kids were asleep and my husband and I had just smoked a joint (we're old school). I was making some tea just staring at the kettle when it said to me...
Kettle: You're afraid of loosing control.
Me (uncomfortable laugh): That's ironic, coming from a kettle.
Kettle: You know it's true.
Me (really thinking about it): But what's the alternative?
Kettle: Just let go.
Me: Hmmmm.
Kettle: Watch.
Then the kettle started to whistle and I poured water into our mugs and went downstairs to watch a movie with the husband.
I think about that experience often because it means a lot of different things for me.
Especially around self-identity, confidence and being honest with ourselves about what we want.
Letting go. Loosening the Grip.
I didn't really smoke weed until my mid 30s. I was way too paranoid when I tried it in high school and then in my early 20s I just didn't enjoy it. I think it came from me being really really self-conscious. Weed made me feel like everyone was laughing at me.
And I'm not the only one.
"That idea of the woman as the carer—as the responsible one who remembers birthdays and appointments—doesn’t mesh well with perception of weed: its ability to relax you and focus you on yourself," says Broad City stars Abbi Jacobson and llana Glazer. "[weed] brings you into yourself. When society places so much scrutiny on you in the first place, no wonder it doesn’t necessarily seem like a good choice. But things are changing."
Vice
And it did for me in my 30s as I began to let go of some of the shackles and rules I had created for myself. Perhaps it came from becoming a new mother and questioning how I wanted my daughters to see the world and themselves.
I took bigger leaps personally and professionally. One of them was leaving the soul crushing corporate world and taking a chance working for a tech startup in my first big leadership role. It was there I learned a lot about myself as a person and a leader. It was also were I learned that many of the people on the leadership team, whom I very much admired, smoked weed.
It made me start questioning some of my assumptions about success, adulthood, creativity and life. In a way, it was the start of letting go—the kettle mirrored what I saw and wanted for myself.
The Cracks Let the Light In.
Growing up with an immigrant parent who sacrificed everything to give me more opportunities created a lot of guilt and responsibility to do well. There was also not a lot of time for creativity when our basic needs were often not met. I developed a belief that creative pursuit was wasted time.
But my 30s were about unshackling beliefs, breaking intergenerational trauma and challenging my assumptions about what I valued, who I was, and what I wanted for my life.
Maybe that's why it was the first time smoking pot on the rare occasion didn't make me paranoid. The kettle reminded me that it really had nothing to do with the weed at all but what the action signified. A letting go and feeling more comfortable in my own skin because I had a clearer picture of what I wanted from my life and because of that, people's opinions mattered less and less.
Around that time I also started painting and began looking at creativity in a new light—something I would have NEVER given myself permission to do. A blank canvas was just terrifying.
"What if I messed it up?"
"I have no idea what I'm doing!"
"What a waste of time!"
But I pushed through those thoughts and even challenged myself to a weekend painting retreat with the amazing Laura Harris, which was totally out of every single comfort zone I had. That weekend I shed a layer of the armour I used to conceal the cracks and the Kintsugi of my life began.
Looking back, that was the decade where I first asked myself the question, "What do I really want?", and then gifted myself an honest answer without the assumptions and beliefs I had in my 20s.
That question led me to launch my own company and provided me with a new framework for how I make decisions about the work I do going forward.
It's never too late.
Life's Kiln.
In October I listened to The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest on my longer walks and I bookmarked so many nuggets but this one stood out from Chapter 8:
"The greatest gift that life will hand you is discomfort."
If I think back to all the major life choices I made (or had to make), there was discomfort. From having kids, to career changes, to relationships and health.
It reminded me of the recent experience with my first panic attack on July 13th and my life changing literally overnight after that. That discomfort forced me into this new #FlippingTablesWellnessEra and what feels like a new chapter.
What if menopause is the process that leads women to reach their fullest potential? The final loss of control when all the shackles and assumptions fall off and our give-a-shit meter officially breaks.
OH THE FREEDOM!
And because I really think menopause needs a total rebrand, I'm going with it. I'm a sucker for a Phoenix-from-the-fire story—the idea of transformation and renewal through destruction is powerful. It's also the natural rhythm of nature.
I especially like Sharon Blackie's version of it in her amazing book Hagitude:
“There can be a certain perverse pleasure, as well as a sense of rightness and beauty, in insisting on flowering just when the world expects you to become quiet and diminish.”
The kettle is an elder.
She was preparing me for what's to come.
Things I Love This Month
Weighted Walking Vest: The only thing that eased my anxiety was walking. Long rigorous walks. The feeling of being out-of-breath but still in control (clearly a theme in my life) was healing. I've since added a weighted vest and it's been game-changing. Aim for no more than 10% of your body weight. Also, walking with a weight also increases muscle mass and bone density. Win-win!
DEXA Body Scan: Speaking of bone density and muscle mass, my naturopath recommended a DEXA Body Scan recently. Since I was headed to Vancouver for a tradeshow anyway I decided to book an appointment. It's 45-minutes and I found it hugely valuable to learn what my baseline was for key health indicators like body fat including visceral fat around your organs (the more dangerous kind), bone density, weight and more. Results are kept on the Jevitty App on my phone. I'm planning a follow-up one in 2 years.
Nordic Circuit Therapy: I've been obsessed with nordic-circuits for a few years now. There is some kind of magic that occurs when you go from hot sauna into an ice bath and repeat. To satisfy my cravings, I research the local options and try a new place wherever I travel to.
Here are a few:
Toronto, ON: hands down Othership. It's epic.
Victoria, BC: HAVN (stunning!) & Ritual (early-morning discounts).
Whistler, BC: Scandinav I can spend ALL DAY fully relaxing.
Chelsea, QC: another epic all-day spa Nordik (15 minutes from Ottawa)
If you know of others in Canada or the US, let me know!
In solidarity 🖤
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